Change

It has been a while since I have posted anything, and truthfully, it's not that I haven't tried. I really have tried. Four times, to be exact. I have had thoughts flying through my mind at lightning speeds, but until now, have been unable to collect them into any semblance of order.

For the past 5 weeks, I have been in a different part of Asia. To be completely honest, it was not an easy transition. It was hard to leave my cousin, one of the best friends I have ever had, and her sweet, sweet family. After I first arrived here after my week in Hong Kong, I admittedly had a disgusting attitude. I was angry, depressed, and frustrated, and I didn't know why, which only fueled the fire. I started asking myself, "What do I want?" But I couldn't even answer that question. all I knew was what I didn't want. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to go home. As I have been here longer, and have had a lot of time with my Father, I know now that my discomfort was/is from change. I am working at a place that I can't say much about on here, but suffice it to say that is right up my alley. If you know me at all, you can probably guess what I am doing. But as much as I love what I am doing, it is growing and stretching me in so many different ways. My Father has taken both my deepest passion and my darkest frustration and combined them to create the perfect storm, capable only of changing my heart. I believe that the theme of my travels, specifically these last 2 months, is about change. Not changing what is around me. Not about changing social injustices, or changing lives...but about changing my heart. And as I think about the change and painful growth that He is commanding within me, I am reminded of something Don Miller wrote:


“I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God’s way. All my life I have been changing. I changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. I changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money…Everybody has to change, or they expire. I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.”


This resonates so strongly within me, because this change is not easy. It has not been an easy road, but I am starting to see the fruit. For my first few weeks here, I fought it so desperately. I had a few issues with my visa, and I was actually hoping for it to not work out so that I would have to leave sooner. But this was just an attempt to escape the painful growth.

I think the hardest part about changing is facing what is broken. I have to take a good, hard look at the depravity within my own heart. I have to let Him lead me through the dark valley of my own sinfulness, keeping my eyes wide open. But He is faithful. As I have proven myself willing to walk this journey with Him, He has proven Himself faithful to complete the work He has begun in me. The greatest part about change is that after the hard looking and the brokenness, I get to be a part of the redemptive process. I get to see the fruit in my life that comes with change.

I only have 3 weeks left here, and I am torn. Ready to go, yet longing to stay. And like Miller writes, "I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes."

I know that this is very vague with very few details, and I apologize, but for confidentiality reasons, it has to be this way. However, if you want to talk to me personally, I would love to share with you more about what I am doing, and what He is doing. Email or facebook me, and we will talk. :)